http://www.themystictavern.com expires soon.

I'll pop for it one more year... then we'll see how things stand. Why am I still doing it? I don't know.... some sense of obligation, I guess. I'm still fond of it, even though I washed my hands of it long ago. It is a relief to be out from under it when I poke my head in there now.

One more year, and we'll see.

So, now that we're into 2006, how's it looking for you? Have you made any resolutions? I skipped all that bit... I suppose it's not too late, but I'm lazy and I don't feel compelled to resolve to do anything. I'm perfect the way I am right now. ~Grins~

Why do I do this to myself?

I agreed to a sleepover, at my place. This was a mistake. See - and don't get me wrong - I just don't like other people's kids. I mean, I do... but not in my house. They don't obey me like my child does. They're not trained. But I agreed, and perhaps this will be a lovely encounter.

Vh1 Classic is plying me with Eddie Money and George Michael videos. Gawd I love 80's videos.

Happy New Year!

I have what a co-worker would call "a metric fuck-ton" of laundry to do. God help me, this will take all day to do. This is what I get for letting things slide.

A little late, but still...

For those of you who aren't familiar - I give you the Yule Log.

How time does fly...

So, I had some time on my hands this morning. (I wake up quite early every day without fail - my cats havce something against me sleeping in, even when I give it my best efforts. Something about wanting to be fed.) And, because the mood struck me, I went on a round through the blogs of old friends and the extended network. Now, many of you/them I met through MT, and it's been about a year (I think) since I let go of that place. Yes, I pop in from time to time, but life got too full and my need for a place to hide away vanished. As I hopped from blog to blog, I noticed the almost universal lack of updates. It seems life has called everyone away, one by one. The ties that bind have loosened, and everyone has begun to scatter. I'm somewhat sorry to see it happen. Some of you I didn't know half as well as I would have liked... some of them I never liked at all but I was cordial. In any case, it appears time has changed us all. I do feel a slight twinge of regret - what friends some of us were! How we supported each other, how we reached out with invisible hands to comfort. There was a time when that closeness held me up, and I am sorry now to recognize (though I knew it before) that those days are long gone and unlikely to return. I hope, my friends - and you know who you are - that the New Year will find you well, and that all your hopes and dreams are realized.

Merry Christmas

...and a Happy New Year.

Hilarity for your Christmas

Kung Fu Fuck You

Secret Satan

SNL's Chronicles of Narnia rap

Worst rendition of Oh Holy Night ever

Chris "Christmas" Rodriguez

Best. Lunch. Ever.

smeg·ma (smgm)
n.

A sebaceous secretion, especially the whitish cheesy secretion that collects under the prepuce of the penis or around the clitoris.

Steff: I have never been near a real live uncircumsized penis.
Nomi: They are grossly distorted mental images.
Steff: I'm kind of weirded out by the notion.
Steff: and then there's the whole smegma thing.
Steff: Which frankly makes me want to vomit.
Nomi: -Yes-! You get to learn all about that when you have a little boy....Or a baby brother.
Steff: Ew ew ew
Steff: ~Covers her eyes~
Steff: NONONONONO
Nomi: I don't ever have to deal with it, thank GOD. But I get to be "aware".
Steff: That's rancid and vile and I'm EATING YOGURT
Nomi: ~*DIES LAUGHING*~
Steff: YOU BITCH
Nomi: Oh God, I'm gonna fall out of my chair!!!!
Steff: aW MAN
Steff: How am I gonna...
Steff: Okay, I'm taking a bite. Lemme see if I can manage it.
Nomi: ~*still laughing, can't breathe*~
Steff: Dammit
Steff: I picked it up and looked at it and had to put it down
Nomi: You made me dribble coke down my shirt.
Nomi: Aw, it's just yogurt.
Nomi: Think about something else when you take a bite.
Steff: I can't!
Nomi: lmao.
Steff: It's all "smegma" in my head
Steff: Oh I almost gagged
Nomi: THat is so gross, because I know exactly what you're seeing. And yet it's so funny, I may never let you forget it again.
Steff: There's raspberries in it and they're all goeey and kinda like snot and I almost didn't get it down
Nomi: LMAO
Steff: Brilliant
Steff: OMG I can't eat anymore.
Steff: It tastes funny to me now
Nomi: Stop making me laugh!!

BORED.

Nothing to do. Tv sucks, no good movie to watch, everyone else asleep, I am going nuts. Stupid Thanksgiving, with its non-entertaining-ness.

The book WAS better.

WrathOfTheMahi: It's you.
TerminalOptimism: It is.
WrathOfTheMahi: What's up with that.
WrathOfTheMahi: Is it some sort of special occassion where you GRACE US, THE INTERNET, WITH YOUR PRESENCE?!?!>:|
TerminalOptimism: Yes.
TerminalOptimism: Rejoice.
WrathOfTheMahi: the book was better.
TerminalOptimism: Fuckin' A.

The beauty that I'm faking lets me live my life like this

Could I be any more bored? Boss is headed out of town today, so the phones will be dead and my days will stretch on into eternity. Anybody (by anybody I mean the three of you who still read this thing) got a good book recommendation? Naomi, I'm looking in your direction. I've already done the Willa Cather, having finished high school in Nebraska, so give me something else. Something that will keep me occupied for the rest of the week, and possibly the next as the boss may be out then too - it might take several books. Do not fail me.

ZUFF! PAN!! SNUH! BORT! POOO! NEWT! MINT! ZAK!

This made me laugh so hard...

Made up words used in The Simpsons

Holy crap I haven't updated in forever.

I've been busy. Doing things. Working. Seething. Reading books. Yeah...

Things are rough all over.

Hubby's daughter lives in Ocean Springs, MS. She's stuck there for the time being, as they're not allowing non-emergency personel into the area just yet. No food, no water, no power, no nothing. But she and her family are alive. Her house is still standing, which is a miracle - no word if it's really livable, we've heard it's caked with mud. Her grandparent's house in Gulfport is gone. The simple truth is that we are powerless to do anything. That's weighing on Kris pretty hard. Spare a thought for everyone down on the Gulf Coast, please. They're in trouble down there. It could just as easily be you.

I go to get Brodie and bring him home tomorrow. I've missed him, I can't wait to have him home again. Take care, everyone.

Edit: This is a piece of an interview with Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans. Listen.

Mayor Nagin

I am depressed.

My son is gone and I miss him.

Coax or trick or drive or drag the demons from you

WrathOfTheMahi: this just in fuck you
TerminalOptimism: Breaking News: You're stupid
TerminalOptimism: And foul-mouthed.
WrathOfTheMahi: NEWSFLASH you are a big idiot
TerminalOptimism: URGENT BULLETIN YOU ARE SO GAY
WrathOfTheMahi: wait, whats this... im getting word from phil our man on the street... whats that phil... yes, isee, okay going live to phil: hey craig its phil i have just been LIVE at the big presidential debate and it turns out htat it was not a debate at all STEPHANIE SUX
WrathOfTheMahi: decision unanimous

Good times.

There's nothing I'd like rather than to fall

Saturday morning. 8 am, Brodie's already awake and watching cartoons. No quiet hours of solitutde for me this morning. Maybe tomorrow.

Life goes on as usual. I still love work - people who blog about work, however, are generally being canned by their employeers, so the internets seem to attest. So let's turn elsewhere. My apartment is a dump. There is crap strewn everywhere, despite the fact it was picked up just the day before yesterday. This is what happens when I both stop picking up incessently, and leave my husband alone for any (and I do mean any) period of time. I can see now that I have so spoiled him by years of being his maid that he no longer recalls how to clean up after himself. It's unbelieveably frustrating to me. I can't stand the mess, I hate it, it feels like I'm wallowing in filth. The only thing to do is devote a huge chunk of my day to making this place livable again. Just what I wanted for my weekend... but at least it will give me something to do. The irony here is that he came home from work early to tidy up. If that's what he was doing why isn't it clean?

I guess this is growing up

I have been told by Luke to update. Fine, you big gay bastard - an update.

Kris and Brodie are finally home. I missed them horribly. It's good that they're back. Now, of course, I miss the quiet and the relative freedom I had for 7 days. If only I could have it both ways. I'm such a fickle bitch.

Saw something truly, truly awful today courtesy of Jon. I won't post the link here because some of you more delicate creatures (Naomi, Craig, that means you) might not be able to stomach it. I'll show it to you if you ask, but don't come crying to me after you have nightmares.

Speaking of, Jon's wife is heading out of town in a few days and he gets to be the one all alone for a week. He has my sympathy - there's something heartwrenching about walking in the door and finding only silence instead of someone there waiting for you. The cats don't cut it. At least I can repay the kindness he and his wife showed me by letting him come over and hang out whenever he wants. I haven't run it by Kris, but he'll do what he's told.

There, I've said things, I hope Luke is happy. Ta, babies.

PS - Naomi and I got married today. I was the groom. Awesome.

Everybody's coming to the party, have a real good time

I think the worst is over, but don't quote me on that. Things are slowly drifting back toward what I would call normal. I cleaned the house like a madwoman yesterday, and even Kris got all helpful. Imagine my surprise when he started cleaning things that I didn't even ask him to! It was a thing of beauty. The day was dimished only because our A/C has stopped being effective and it's freaking humid up here right now. Fix it now plz.

My boys are leaving me next week - I take them to the airport early Wednesday morning. Don't know how I'm going to handle this, being alone. Granted, I'll be home with my mom for the holiday weekend, but there's still that gap. The one where I'll come home after work to an empty house. I have not been alone, completely alone, for years. It's a little nervewracking. The electricity bill will be huge because I'll have everything in the house going, just to create the illusion that there's someone else here. Thinking about it right now is depressing. Bah.

Dan, it's July 19th. I'll be 28... I can taste 30 already.

I'm spread so thin I don't know who I am

Work has been busy. Enough to wake me up in the middle of the night and keep me up. I think I'm almost out of the woods, and I cannot tell you what a blessing that will be. I'm hoping life will stabilize after that. If it does, then I can update. Until then, read someone else's more interesting life?

If you could see it then you'd understand

Your Birthdate: July 19

Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path. But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated. A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations. You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well. Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences. The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married. You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I'm not buying it, but I do it to please Craig.

Holding on to the devil I know

WrathOfTheMahi: i am wearing pants!
Assigned Name: That's HOT.
WrathOfTheMahi: thank you they are camo pants
Assigned Name: OMG
Assigned Name: My husband is also wearing camo pant
Assigned Name: s
WrathOfTheMahi: it must be a sign
Assigned Name: But of what?
WrathOfTheMahi: wait maybe i am your husband is he(am i) at the computer
Assigned Name: Yes
Assigned Name: GASPPPPPPP
WrathOfTheMahi: then i am him i suppose
Assigned Name: Then I love you! ^_^
WrathOfTheMahi: tee hee
WrathOfTheMahi: honey i am going out with the guys later it is guys night out but i want you to know that i am taking the car not filling it up with gas also i left the toilet seat up and didnt replace the toilet paper roll
Assigned Name: Okay sweetie!
Assigned Name: ^_^
WrathOfTheMahi: ps im cheating on you
WrathOfTheMahi: no im just kidding i am actually craig
WrathOfTheMahi: but i am still cheating on you
Assigned Name: Craig...
Assigned Name: This breaks my heart.
WrathOfTheMahi: cheating on you with THE DEVIL. BECAUSE, BABY, I SOLD MY SOUL FOR LOVE. WITH YOU :-*:-*:-*:-*
Assigned Name: You are the man of my dreamz.

Dreamy.

Drowning in my tears

Emo Kid You are 28% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited. I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid. To put it less negatively: 1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational. 2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted. 3. You are more GENTLE than brutal. 4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Smartass. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 10% on Rationality You scored higher than 30% on Extroversion You scored higher than 45% on Brutality You scored higher than 41% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful

I am drained.

Weeks and weeks of having nothing to do at work have screeched to a halt. Which is good, but I have gotten lazy. I'm tired and I'm not close to getting through the worst of it yet. Boo fucking hoo, right?

My roses (I got roses from my hubby, he's so great) are dying and I'm sad. Console me.

And I try to focus, but I can’t see clear

You are precious, all of you. But I'm fine, honest. That's just some Henry Rollins nonsense that I'm fond of. Everything is sunshine and rainbows over here.

Saw Episode III last night. Waited at the theater for 7 hours, got home at 3 a.m., am running on precisely 3 hours of sleep. Damn, do I love Darth Vader. Must see it again soon. Sith represent.

Difficult not to feel a little disappointed

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. You've left me no choice but to go inside and rebuild what's broken. In order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you. Too much, too far, too late to lie down now. There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I must arm myself to fight you by making weapons out of my imperfections. There is no other choice. Shameless now. Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now. My soul must be iron for my fear is naked. But I'm dead inside. Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive at the bottom.

Hey baby, can you bleed like me?

Since I actually have breasts Craig, I win.

Fuck it, I have nothing to say. Everything's the same, work, life, etc.

You thought it was the start of something beautiful

Today (May 6th) is No Pants Day! Take 'em off, babies.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

FiresTemptation: I wont, I promise. I am teh gay.
FiresTemptation: I am NOT
FiresTemptation: NOT
FiresTemptation: That was a key word that was MISSING.
Assigned Name: LMFAO

Agenda suicide

This is so true of me. Came from a profile of my sign.

One of your weaknesses is that you can get hypersensitive and moody when someone fails to show you their love and appreciation. In situations of insecurity, you sometimes show immature, manipulative, and even tyrannical behavior, and others could see you as overly possessive and dependent.

Needy!

Don't you fucking know what you are?

With Teeth, the newest album by NIN, is streaming over at MySpace.com. You want to listen.

I don't know about me. I live my life, I do what's right, I brush and floss and drink 8 glasses of water a day. I do what I'm supposed to. But doing what you should can be less than satisfying. I don't know what it is, if I want a life of infamy or debauchery or just more pictures hanging on my walls in perfectly spaced groups. Something is missing, something has always been missing. I hate saying it because that means I'm 27 and I'm still not all together and by this point shouldn't I be? It's such bullshit, really. I'll just keep going, and maybe someday that need that won't be defined will be met and everything will be golden.

. . . the characters in my novels are my own unrealized possibilities. That is why I am equally fond of them and equally horrified by them. . . . - Milan Kundera

It always turns out this way

The longest I've stayed anywhere in the last 10 years is just nearly 3 years. This is by the state, mind you. This is the first time I haven't moved to a new apartment or a new town when the year lease was up. It never occurred to me before, that we never stay in one place very long. It just happened and I dealt with it. The last 10 years have been a cycle of me settling in and packing up, leaving behind everything that I have come to know and love. I don't want to do this anymore, I'm sick of it, but what am I supposed to do? I just want a place I can call home and mean it. It keeps coming up and I keep trying to talk around it but it won't change a thing. Please let it be different this time. Please let something happen. Please please please.

It's funny how beautiful people look when they're walking out the door.

it's a short pier, it's a long walk home

I spent what felt like all day in front of the computer, screwing around with various stuff. Considered moving to a different blogging tool like WordPress, pMachine, and Moveable Type, but I got annoyed with all of them for various reasons so I changed the layout instead. It was supposed to be me that's dead, but Kris drew a little dolly. I'm not too disappointed - as Craig mentioned, it's still very stabby.

In other news, work is nice, life is nice, Vin Diesel haunts my dreams (in the good way), and I can never seem to be finished doing laundry. My moods swing with the weather, and I want to go and roll around on the lawn in the dandelions when the sun is out. Everything is turning green and that makes me unspeakably happy at times. It also makes my eyes burn. Chocolate and Vanilla Jell-o Pudding mixed together, either in a cup or on a stick, is just this side of orgasmic. You can't deny it.

OMG I have a new favorite band. Check out LUX at LUXROCK.COM!!! If you like men with bad stage names, even worse nicknames, rippling abs and drumsticks with knives on them, this is the band for you.

Edit:
Craig - He doesn't have breasts, he has huge pectoral muscles. I went and got throw pillows; who am I to thwart the will of the cosmos?
Nomi - I've always been angry, you know that.
Lee - Hated that damn doll.

I got a date with a knife

I'm such trash. I call other people trash, but really it's me. Traaaaaaash.

But I love it.

I'll do more than wishing someday

Gleefully yoinked from Eric. Keep it within decent parameters, this isn't a peepshow.

If you were able to spend one night with me, what 5 things would you want to do?

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Repost this in your journal and see what people want to do with you!

Friday Fiver

I missed the Friday five, so I found an LJ knockoff. I also didn't like today's questions so I picked an earlier set.

1. Describe the last time you were frightened:

I frighten myself with stupid stuff - like in the morning, I try to leave the lights off as long as possible so I don't wake my husband. Everytime I go into the bathroom I can just see myself in the mirror, and I start thinking about Bloody Mary (you know,you had to have done this at slumber parties if you are a girl, when you're standing in front of a mirror and saying bloody mary 3 times, and then someone is supposed to appear in the mirror?) and then I get kinda freaked out because what if one day there's someone there?

2. What does your hair look like?

I dyed over the red streaks, but you can still kind of see them. just plain old boring brown, the color genetics (or God, if you're gonna be that way) gave me.

3. Have you ever dyed your hair a new color?

Many times.

4. Do you like heights?

It depends. standing too close to the edge of a great height makes me nervous... honestly, I'm always thinking about how I narrowly manage to avoid causing myself great physical harm.

5. Girl Scout cookies, candy bar sales -- what's the worst fund raising you've had to do?

Well... I had to sell candy bars once for a gymnastics fundraiser - but I ate all the caramel ones because I liked them so much.


So I was curious - I you could do something - anything - and you knew it was guaranteed that you'd get away with it and never be caught, what would you do? (No violence toward political figures, please. Don't want that kind of attention.)

Take a look at me NOW

Craig: www.hotlustysteff.com and the blog are on the same webspace?
Steff: ..... yes....
Steff: hot lusty steff.com, lmao
Steff: Never.
Craig: Oh come on! You could sell.... stuff...
Steff: Like what?
Steff: Don't answer.
Craig: Fans. Because you are hot.
Craig: and valentine's gifts because you are lusty
Criag: and Nerds. That candy rocks.
Steff: Hell yes they do. Only the grape/strawberry ones though.

Craig = Best. Even if he has no clue.

Songs To Wear Pants To is good. Go.

Always on Sunday...

Brodie had his first sleepover last night. I had my first sleepover last night.

It wasn't bad, but let me say something... this is horrible of me, but I don't like other people's kids. Not really. I don't know, maybe the babies my friends are having will be different, maybe with me being there from the beginning and holding them when they're tiny (I can't wait. Babies!!) will soften my resolve. It's not that they are bad children; far from it. It's just that Brodie is my son, and I've invested 6 years in training him to survive in my household. Other children do not understand my quirks, and they inadvertantly do things that bug the crap out of me. They're children and they can't be faulted for it... but whenever kids come over, I'm always looking forward to the time when they leave.

I'm just a bitch. A mean, nasty bitch.

and there's no reply...

Phew. Glad that's over with. Sour mood = posts I delete later. Not compelling reading.

Turn around, bright eyes...

This is quite possibly the best cover I have hear in my life - ever. (Embedded video.)

I had a crazy dream last night. Have you ever been to a certain place in your dreams more than once? A place that you recognize, not from real life but from other dreams? I'm not talking about recurring dreams either, completely different ones that have no similarities save the fact that you keep going to them... it's a little strange. It's a coffee shop, by the way. I used to go to coffee shops all the time. They've become cliche now. Anyway. Good dream. true to form, I woke up in the middle of the best part. I hate that. I can never jump back into my dreams after that, no matter how hard I try. Dammit.

Bang your head (Metal health'll drive you mad)

My poor, precious Naomi has gone and injured herself. She went and flew off a 4-wheeler. Everyone please spare a thought for our temporarily one-armed girl while she heals.

She's a lot like you, the dangerous type

This last week has been unpleasant. It has really pissed me off. But there have been bright spots, and for that I am greatful. Life is crammed full of good things and good people, and though it's a little overwhelming at times trying to balance it all, I could hardly ask for more.

Except crappy goth poetry. Witness my very, very dark soul-wrenching poetry, which i wrote by clicking with reckless abandon!

what have you wrought?
a dark black shadowy cloud of betrayal as memories disappear.
once we savored paradise,
glad-hearted and wide-eyed,
but your thirst vanished.
a furious fever of lies -
thoughts follow love, follow love,
love burnt to ashes.
in a haze of tears,
i reject you.

Awesome.

And we should save ourselves

What a day. What a fucking day.

MT is off my hands now, more or less. I'm still a mod at present - we'll see how that goes. After some of the things I said today, I'm surprised no one is screaming for my head. Ah, but it felt good to say, and I meant every word.

What is it about certain people that makes me get stupid when I'm around them? Jon does it to a certain extent. Luke... when I get around Luke, it's on. I turn into a fool, but I have so much fun... I fear that the more time I spend with people, the more I convince them that I am completely and utterly incapable of behaving like a rational adult. I can have fun with Kris, but I can manage just fine if I need too.

On a completely disgusting note, my 8th grade science teacher died. They first called it a suicide, but then the autopsy (along with whatever else) revealed that he was into strangulation while he had special time... what made it so bad was that I heard it from my mom and my sister.

Oh, the other morning I tried to wash my hands with toothpaste. I'm so great.

Everybody else's girl, maybe one day she'll be her own

What do women do during their mid-life crisis? Guys get sportscars and toupees, earrings and tattoos. For that matter, do women even have mid-life crisises? Is crisises a word? Maybe I should be getting liposuction and implants... or maybe this is just the quarter-life crisis. Maybe it's not a crisis at all and I need therapy, maybe my birth control is making me have mood swings, or maybe everyone around me is a bunch of assholes. If I had to pick one...

This is the only time I really feel alive

Today was ass.

Not all of it, but the part with the airline reservations. Travelocity, Expedia, and the entire airline industry can go fuck themselves. I am consoling myself with the Budweiser that has what's esentially Red Bull in it.

So, I watched the last 15 minutes of You Got Served this weekend. Don't laugh. I liked Breakin' when I was young, this is basically the same thing. Brodie saw it too and as a result has been serving both me and his father on a regular basis. He did it tonight when we got home from work and managed to hurt his hand in the process. Then he wanted to know if he would have to have his hand cut off. My poor little baby... I laughed at him. It was funny.

Craig (not Aussie Craig, WrathoftheMahi Craig) drew this and I like it, so here it is for you. Sad Big Headed Chap

You made me acknowledge the devil in me...

Today sucks super bad. Yahoo is giving away free ice cream cones because they're 10 today, and I cannot have any delicious Baskin-Robbins. I LOVE Baskin-Robbins. They have the best Rainbow Sherbet - Raspberry, Pineapple, and Orange... I want it I want it I want it. But the closest B-R is 10 miles away, which is too far and in downtown Minneapolis which I have managed to avoid the entire time I've lived here, save that one time, but I didn't have to drive. Driving to new places always makes me a little tense, like i'm going to get hopelessly lost and be unable to find my way home.

Sitting here in this chair gets old. It's trying to lull me to sleep, and no amount of coffee I ingest will change the fact. The internet is boring, Nomi's not on AIM... All I can do is wait for 6. Stupid, stupid day. No ice cream has ruined it for me, I'll never get over it.

It's all over now, baby blue...

Author's Note

But before we get to The Work, as it were, I want to make sure I know how to cope with this elegant typewriter — (and, yes, it appears that I do) — so why not make this quick list of my life's work and then get the hell out of town on the 11:05 to Denver? Indeed. Why not?

But for just a moment I'd like to say, for the permanent record, that is a very strange feeling to be a 40-year-old American writer in this century and sitting alone in this huge building on Fifth Avenue in New York at one o'clock in the morning on the night before Christmas Eve, 2000 miles from home, and compiling a table of contents for a book of my own Collected Works in an office with a tall glass door that leads out to a big terrrace looking down on The Plaza Fountain.

Very strange.

I feel like I might as well be sitting up here carving the words for my own tombstone... and when I finish, the only fitting exit will be right straight off this fucking terrace and into The Fountain, 28 stories below and at least 200 yards out in the air and across Fifth Avenue.

Nobody could follow that act.

Not even me... and in fact the only way I can deal with this eerie situation at all is to make a conscious decision that I have already lived and finished the life I planned to live — (13 years longer, in fact) — and everything from now on will be A New Life, a different thing, a gig that ends tonight and starts tomorrow morning.

So if I decide to leap for The Fountain when I finish this memo, I want to make one thing perfectly clear — I would genuinely love to make that leap, and if I don't I will always consider it a mistake and a failed opportunity, one of the very few serious mistakes of my First Life that is now ending.

But what the hell? I probably won't do it (for all the wrong reasons), and I'll probably finish this table of contents and go home for Christmas and then have to live for 100 more years with all this goddamn gibberish I'm lashing together.

But, Jesus, it would be a wonderful way to go out... and if I do it you bastards are going to owe me a king-hell 44-gun salutr (that word is "salute," goddamnit — and I guess I can't work this elegant typewriter as well as I thought I could)...

But you know I could, if I had just a little more time.

Right?

Yes.

HST
12/23/77
The Great Shark Hunt

R.I.P.

See what the evening brings in you; lilacs and landmines...

I drank too much Friday night.

Just a six-pack, mind you (and a shot of Goldschlager), but a six-pack for me is still waaaaay too much. I did my penance all day Saturday. If I'm going to be honest, I'll say that I only feel okay today in spurts. The ghost of my hangover is still haunting me. What the hell I was thinking, I'll never know. I have too much to drink and the logical side of my brain just switches off. I start to do things like biting people, and putting red streaks in my hair. They are rather lovely. (I wanted to be like you, Naomi.) Just so long as my boss doesn't flip out tomorrow morning... Brodie says it is beautiful, and that's the best endorsement I could get.

So, aside from fantasizing about me and Naomi making out, what have the rest of you been doing?

Why do you think you're here?

I woke up with a lot of stuff floating around in my head. I'll see what I can manage to get out.

Naomi. Certain people have problems wih her, though God only knows why. I can only guess that they don't know her like I do. We've never met, but she is without a doubt the truest, most loyal friend I have ever had. Her life is upside down right now, and she's under an incredible amount of pressure, but she still manages to be there for me and my stupid little problems. She's being my shoulder to cry on when it should be the other way around. It's ridiculous the way she gives of herself, and I love her for it. If I were gay, she would be the one.

I have so much. I have the husband, the son, the job, the friends... all the things I want out of life. I should be happy. I am happy. But there's still something that's nagging at me, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not satisfied yet. Sure, I don't have every little material thing that I've set my sights upon, but that's not it. There's something missing, and I haven't figured out what it is. It's bothering me. A lot.

It's warm today. (Warm in Minnesota in February is around 40 degrees.) Almost no-coat weather. Birds are chirping in the courtyard outside my patio door. Spring can't get here fast enough for me. Maybe some of what I need is just to see things growing again. Spring always makes me feel better. I love Winter, but I've already moved past it and now I'm just aching for it to be over.

I wish I was wiser, and didn't put myself in places where I never wanted to be. I wish I didn't feel like there were walls between me and so many other people, so I could say everything I wanted and not have to worry about what they might and might not want to hear from me. I wish we were like bunnies, like Naomi said, and we could just frolick around with our chosen bunny mates but still throw in a little Vin Diesel on the side if we wanted. Damn. What is it with me? I used to be all about the skater boys, but now my tastes have gravitated toward bald-headed guys with muscles. I suppose they could have hair and that would be alright, as long as they had the body... and maybe an accent. I'm so typical.