Another sporadic update follows.

I'm much better with the Twitter - which I have now added to the sidebar. That way, it'll be like regular updates, sorta.

The happier tone of my previous post is gone. I still feel better about my life today. I'm still happy about the direction in which I want to take things, and the people I'm choosing to surround myself with. All is well on that front. It's the things I can't control that are getting to me.

See, it's like this. I work the front desk at a video game company. While it's a super fun job, it's still a receptionist/ office manager/ assistant role. It doesn't pay enough on its own to cover all the expenses I have. The Twin Cities are an expensive place to live. I'd relied on child support from my ex to supplement that income and help me pay for child care and so on. Unfortunately for me, my ex got laid off, and now I can't count on funds from him to help pay for my son's needs.

I don't know when he'll find work again, all I know is that my financial situation was difficult enough to begin with, and this has just made it even worse. Lest you think I spend friviously, let me assure you that there is nothing extravagant in my daily routine or my monthly budget. I'd gotten into a bad situation last year with a month of daycare that I had to pay drop-in rates for when I hadn't planned on having to pay for it at all, and that cascaded into a financial clusterfuck for me. I've been working hard for the last 6 months to get back on my feet after that disaster, and this was the month that was finally starting to look better for me. I was going to be saving money again, instead of spending every cent I made trying to keep my head above water. Now, instead of saving, I'll be spending everything I make and then some, trying to keep my head above water while my ex looks for work.

I'm sure I know what some of you are thinking: Why not just cut your losses? My mom has offered to let me move back in with her. I could live in her basement and find a new job in a more affordable area, start life over. Except that sucks. I like my job. I've been here for several years. I have good things like accrued time off, flexible work hours, health insurance for my son and I. So no, leaving is not a real option. Why give up a steady income for no income at all? Why drag my son away from the only place he's ever felt like is home, and all his friends and everything he knows? No. I'm not leaving. This is where I want to be.

I went from a position of being able to shake off my debt once and for all to being even deeper in debt than I was before in the span of two days. I'm so pissed off and frustrated and I feel helpless, because all of this is completely beyond my control. The only way now for me to right my life is to depend upon my ex to find work again, and I have no idea when that could happen. Arrgh... I'm just so upset. Tired of having the bottom drop out from under me.

Marriage is bullshit.

Allow me to elaborate.

In general, I dislike the notion of marriage. My perspective on many varying subjects has changed over the course of time, particularly in the last year. My willingness to live my life according to archaic rules of conduct has diminished.

Marriage is fast becoming an irrelevant institution, as far as I am concerned. First of all, while I don't reject the idea out of hand, I certainly do not require a church/state sanctioned relationship. I do not need a piece of paper or a data entry to validate my commitment to another human being. I will make my relationships meaningful through my own actions. If I should decide they are no longer in my best interests, I will dissolve them accordingly, which will be relatively simple as compared to legal processes.

Who wants that kind of entanglement anyway? Why bind yourself to someone in such a way? If the relationship is strong enough, it will hold itself together of its own accord. Getting married reeks of desperation. People often get married for two reasons, in my observation: so they're not alone, or to hold on to something they already feel slipping away. Settling for an okay marriage is hardly something to pat yourself on the back for.

To be continued...

And to all things...

Monday morning I went to the Family Justice Center. I sat in the lobby and read a book until a woman came and called my name. It took about 7 minutes, all told. I sat down in a chair, a little dazed to be in a courtroom and trying to remember how I was supposed to act. I said yes a lot and no once or twice, and that was it. My divorce was granted.

I had expected to feel something. Relief, at reaching the end of this road. The lifting of a burden. Instead, I felt... strange. Disconnected. Perhaps I was expecting a hearing more in line with what I'm used to seeing on tv. Maybe it was my complete confusion as to where to go, what to say and do, and the rush of the hearing itself. The courthouse was running late, and was trying to speed things along as quickly as they could. Or maybe I've already come to terms with the end of my marriage, and this was a formality. It's hard to pinpoint, but as the day went on I was able to shake off the confusion.

It's a strange thing. My marriage ended yesterday, though it will not be recognized as legal until I receive a copy of my papers in the mail and mail a set to my ex. (My ex - it may take me a while to wrap my head around this new title.) Today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. I never once celebrated my anniversary while I was married, so I don't feel that today holds any significance, other than to mark the passage of time. That sentence alone may describe better than anything else why my marriage is over.

Okay, here goes...

I'm going to write about something that I've generally left unsaid here until now: my divorce. I didn't discuss it because I wasn't certain exactly who was reading here (Hello, my 4 friends! Hello, possible strangers!) and I felt uncomfortable, among other things, but that I'll get to later. Now I'm thinking, hey, this is my blog, right? This is where I can say what I want and how I feel and not have to feel badly about it, right? So here goes...

I sent the papers off on Tuesday. I'd had them for about two months. For a long time they sat untouched in their envelope. I looked thwem over now and then, filled in some of the blanks, and then went back to ignoring them. I was afraid to finish them, because being finished with them meant I would have to take the next logical step - notifying my husband that they existed, and they'd be headed his way.

I have tons of guilt over the end of my marriage, but that's the subject of another post. Maybe several. It ended suddenly and abruptly and in a way that I am not proud of. I was the one that initiated the separation, and I'm the one getting the paperwork going. I want this to be over, so that there's closure and no more unfinished business hanging overhead. I'm one step closer to that, and it feels good.

Telling him the papers were coming was the hardest part. I guess he knew it was coming sooner or later, and to his credit, he handled the news as well as anyone possibly could have given the situation. I was afraid to bring it up - I have the hardest time doing or saying things that I percieve to be hurtful to someone else. Maybe it if wasn't so damn hard for me to work up the nerve, I could have saved he and I a lot of unhappiness. But I am improving. I'm working hard not to hide behind the same old excuses. So I told him, and then I sent them. The relief that I felt afterwards, I can't even begin to explain. Everything that comes after this, filing and court-mandated courses and more paperwork - it will be easy. Telling him was the worst part.