AL-VIN!!!!!

i woke up early this morning, my head filled with the most confusing dream, nad i was unable to go back to bed. so you, the lucky reader, get to hear all about it, and what i've been thinking about afterwards because of it.

my dream was about saul. (more on him later.) for some reason, through most of the dream, a woman representing dawn (krisztynia valkai - forgive me if i'm screwing the spelling up) was with me. in a big red pickup truck, no less. why would i be driving a pickup? i hate them. anyway - dawn, are you blonde? you were blonde in my dream. so...me and dawn go to saul's house. we're back in the old g-burg (which saul is not in anymore, nor has he been for years) and we go to say hello to him and his wife. i give him a letter. what it says, and why it's there at all, i don't know. so, we migrate to the living room after some uncomfortable and tense conversation, where they are playing video games. we sit, there is more forced conversation, and then there's this thing with a tiny fan that moves around (don't ask me what that represents, because i don't even know - and why am i using so many parenthesis?) sort of like a spotlight, but it's a fan? anyway, said fan focuses on me, and i am startled and a little frightened by it, so i hide my head beneath a blanket. at which point, saul, who is reading the pointless letter says something to the effect of "if anyone hurts my steffums, i'll bash their faces in." (he never called me that. for that matter, no one has.) so, dawn and i take our leave, crawling into my big red truck - at which point i actually stop to think about the irony of tiny 5' 2" me driving a big ass thing like that - and after getting slightly lost on the streets, find our way back to a main road and are tooling along. we stop at a seedy bar, and wouldn't you know? saul and his wife are already there, along with all their friends who i remember well but never really got to know. now, this is what really confuses the hell out of me - for the next minute or two in my dream, saul is alvin. from alvin and the chipmunks. that's right. you heard me. he's singing in a band, badly - people are throwing things at him. then magically, everything is okay and people are who the should be again. dawn and i go inside, where she then disappears for the rest of the dream. all over, on tables in an annoyingly bright yellow room is sauls art. drawings, sculptures, etc... i start to comment to him on how his art is good, and give some constructive critisism. his wife jumps in and starts yelling at me, talking about how he shouldn't listen to the failed softball pitcher? (i played t-ball in 3rd grade. that was the extent of my athletic career, really.) i go to her, explain in a very calm voice that i am indeed a failed softball pitcher, i'm not denying it, but it's not really relevant to the discussion, that i was telling saul that his art was indeed good, and i merely wanted to draw attention to things i thought he could strengthen. saul seems okay with all this, but his wife is bent out of shape about it...i express regret that saul and my husband couldn't team up, that they could learn a great deal artistically from each other, then i walk outside. then i realize i'm holding some big sword type thing, so i go back in, place it on a table, and tell saul i wanted him to know i thought the sculptures were beautiful, and that that seemed to be where his strength lay. then i go outside again, wanting to get out of there but not beig able to find dawn so i can go. there rest was a jumble of people milling about in a big field filled with dandilions. saul had some red sheet of metal that folded up, and he looked at it, dropped it, and said something to himself about why did his father have to be so self doubting? the end.

soooooo...let me first start by saying that shit was fucked up. period. second, i should say that there have been 4 major relationships in my life: saul, josh, jeremy, and kris. josh was a total asshole. he broke me down into a person i never wanted to be. him, i don't miss. jeremy , i think i've mentioned. he was something no one else will ever be. kris, i married and had a baby with. enough said. saul was my first everything. i loved him with all the firey passion of a 15 year old heart. it was brief, it was tumultuous (did i spell that right?) but it was real. i loved him. to get back to my explanation, i was wondering why he was so present in my dream last night. i haven't thought about him in a long time. we haven't talked in years; we both changed and couldn't get past it...but if you want my honest opinion, it's because he got stuck up after he moved to new orleans and had an ego thing happening. or maybe it was because he was never one of those guys to keep in contact. does it matter? he got married before i did, blah blah and so on. i was contemplating why he was there, thinking about how dreams like that always bring back these surges of emotions for people that i thought were gone and how chaotic it was to feel that again, and then it occured to me. i loved him deeply. the great loves of your life, you don't forget. you shouldn't. i don't ever want to come to a point in my life where i can't recall, with some fondness and wistfulness, how it felt to love that person. if i can forget that, then i will have lost something irreplaceable inside myself, something vital, precious...something i always want to hold on to.

god, i wish i could have someone anaylze that dream for me. what the hell does that say about me, huh?