What would I do, if I didn't have you?

i'm tired. sleepy tired...i should be in bed, yet i find myself here doing obligatory posting. and it's not even a real post...i have no thread of thought to follow, no sense of something i want to impart. i'm just here...do you ever want, just for a minute, to escape your life? to stand apart from it and have a good look? i do. 3rd party perspective helps sometimes. but i'm afraid of what might come back at me from that angle, scared at realizing that it's all wrong, that i'm shallow, hollow, pushing aside what's real and what matters...it's so easy to live in the haze of denial. but then again, i might see what a charmed life i really lead. but more than that, i want to be able to see the outcomes of the things that might have been. there have been a lot of points in my life, pivotal moments (and some that weren't so earth-shattering, but still) where i was presented with more than one option. i want to know, what would have come to pass, had i taken the other path? where would i be, would i be happy or miserable, loved or lost? i hate not knowing everything. i want to have the full picture. i wonder how i would have grown as an individual, what i would have become as a person...i guess that's my fantasy world, more than roleplaying. it's the what if's. and you know what? i really hate that i come off as so damn depressing all the time. i'm eternally happy irl, i swear. you'd never be able to tell, but i am.

Tremulous skeins of destiny flutter so etherally around me...but then I feel its embrace is that of steel.