am i just some hideous nusiance? this pest that doesn't go away? maybe i'm just filler...something to do while you wait for something better to come along. and why do i let stupid little insignificant things hurt so much? you think that you matter, and then all of a sudden you realize just how fickle people are and how little you mean in the grand scope of their world. and you wonder why you bother, why you care...fuck it.

i'm going to hate myself for all this shit tomorrow, but since it's tonight, who cares. i'm sure you all have your opinions, theories, whatever. let me lay this out for you. i am just worn down completely by being alone. all this month, my husband is gone before i wake up and comes home late at night. i get an hour at most with him before he goes to bed, if that. i have no friends to speak of here in hickville. all the people i care about are very far away, and i rarely get the chance to speak with them. being married and a mother at 24 puts barriers between you and other people your age. how many people do you know at my age that are married with kids? not many. and believe me, the few i have met are total fucking idiots and not people i would ever trust my son with. if you think that i had this planned, having everything nailed down before i'm a quarter of a century old, you're wrong. this what not what i planned on. but it's what i got, and i'm not ungreatfull for it. right now all there is is me, sitting at home alone every fucking day and night, going insane and talking to people on the fucking internet becasue if not for that i'd have no interaction with other human beings. this is making me slightly erratic. i am needy, i am easily hurt, i am trying to get comfort from people i will never meet in real life and it pisses me off. i'm only supposed to have 10 more days of this, but if somebody who i place far too much importance on gives me the cold shoulder again i'm going to freak out. it's fucking after midnight, and he's out at the martini bar - scratch that, by now he's at the strip club - and i am here alone. i don't really care about where he is, but i sure as hell resent that he is not here with me when i need him. i resent that he is out, laughing with people from work and his boss and having a few drinks while i am going out of my mind. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this...~sighs~ but i think i feel a little better now. dammit.