it's not - what you thought - when you first began it - you got - what you want - you can hardly stand it, though - by now you know - it's not going to stop - it's not going to stop - it's not going to stop - 'til you wise up
you're sure - there's a cure - and you have finally found it - you think - one drink - will shrink you 'til you're underground - and living down - but it's not going to stop - it's not going to stop - it's not going to stop - 'til you wise up
perpare a list for what you need - before you sign away the deed - 'cause it's not going to stop - it's not going to stop - it's not going to stop - 'til you wise up - no, it's not going to stop - 'til you wise up - no, it's not going to stop - so just give up
- Wise Up, Aimee Mann

it may not look so pretty in print, but if you heard it...it's so sad...the book i read put me in such a low place, even if it did have a happy ending. here i am at my little confessional again. i wonder if self-medicating can become an addiction? well, it all has to go somewhere, i don't want to swallow it. besides, my system should be flushed in about 30 minutes. i'm not 15 anymore, i can't maintain the misery. but if i ever get to a place where i can't feel this way, i'd be worried. there's comfort in those dismal places. in small ways, i think i'm trying to go back...much more free in those days. there weren't stereotypes to live up to. no matter how i fought against them, i find i slip too easily into the mold. granted, i'll never be the picture of perfection, and i think the society's scales are tipping in my favor, but still...i miss the carelessness. i miss not caring, whatever i felt was simply that. there were no standards against which i measured myself. but then again, if i choose to be truthful, i can admit that it wasn't that great. lots of pain...why am i romantacizing it? it's like those hollywood romance movies. suffering is glamour. and love and life will always end neatly, happily, with all the loose ends wrapped up in under 2 hours.~covers her face with her hands~ god, if anyone ever reads this...they'll think i'm crazy, and i'm not. never been crazy, just...different, i guess. my rambling, incoherent thoughts, shoved out there, and it looks like i have such issues with depression too. damn. damn damn damn. i'm happy. i really am, my world turns in exactly the way i want it. it's just my desire for variety, or maybe contradiction. i value my routine, but i need variety in my life. ...i don't make any sense at all, do i? oh well. time for lunch.